tremendous torture

{ May 2, 2008 @ 1:49 pm } · { confusion }
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life wasn’t tat bad when i first knew him… not even few days back… but life is really tat bad now… i miss him and his half way in China and i needed him so badly… i was the one to ask him go visit but i couldn’t let him go… how stupid was i to do tat and now his also struggling there and his also facing so much in life like wad i call he didn’t like it there… why is there planes and oceans and far places… if only he was this close to me i would of taken him back home where he belonged… rite now, he is tat important… i missed him and i miss him more each day and it’s only the 2nd day.


how do i suppose to go through it all… i doubt if i’ll see him smilling on photos… life sucks now… phone is like rubbish to me rite now… with this comp, i can’t stop viewing vids… i can’t concentrate on my work… i’m scared of breaking promises and i don’t and never want it to happen… my exams is like this coming thursday and how the hell am i gonna concentrate… i need him… i need him home and i can’t stand him winding there because to me, his begging to be home… his desperade to be home and it’s making me guilty… for real i am guilty but i didn’t mean it… why do i do the wrong things say the wrong stuff and cause the opposite of happiness… is tat how life is suppose to be? i may be a kid to u all… still growing, still thinking.. no doubt i am young but i always wanted things to be perfect… i with all do respect admit i always plan things but it’s always for the better and now comes the worst… if only there is an hour plane back i know he’ll be home…


i know he misses me as much as i missed him… waiting on the phone for the guy i love is not the way i imagine… especially not the way i tot it would be and not knowing how much pain he felt everytime he waits for me to be home from every trip… baby… i’m sorry i didn’t mean it and now i have to face everything my foolish ways… i have to settle people honestly with myself and without him wish i don’t like it because we both often do things together… his not vanished from my heart… but it’s like the heart he gave me is super shattered and possibilities of fixing it back is thin… not unless his back here, i can’t sleep soundly, work concentratingly, think wisely, act independantly or whatever you call a mummy’s girl should be..


i look back today to the past i went through… i went through a fren’s blog and read her post for it was spreading to all over the school to me… i saw it, regret knowing it, and glad tat i’m not part of it anymore… i know how friendship is important and i don’t need it rite now because nobody in this world can accept me and him… i look back a past of me thinking of how i was once as… somehow, i may not think i’m wasting time but i do think i’m wasting love when someone was there first and heals my heart faster then his… and i wonder why on earth didn’t i think of him or love him first… life is great and life is so not great at this moment for i miss him. i miss him like a twig stuck in my heart unable to be removed. i miss him like an arrow shooting for deep into me… i miss him for i miss those beautiful magnificent big eyes looking at me… i miss those lips of those kisses he gave me… i miss him deeply and i wan him back home in my arms…

XOXO


gracie

back

{ March 25, 2008 @ 11:52 am } · { Uncategorized }
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=) forget wad i said, we’re back…=) lolz…

living alone

{ March 25, 2008 @ 11:43 am } · { Uncategorized }
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whoever of u out there… love the ones u love and just let go the ones u never wanted to see, hear or be with…

rite now, i’m living a life on my own… i used to thing tat as long as he loves me there is nothing i have to worry about. but it was untrue… it was a decision we both made… a moment we both cried together to make future plannings. his currently in KL and i’m living in PG. .. it’s like 3 hour bas away. somehow, i know we both we having hard times and we still are… i used to feel tat he would be there for me no matter wad we go through… but wad didn’t went through my head was now. i didn’t showed him enough love before he left… i always told him not to be so baby like for he loves to feel my care and i know tat somehow i didn’t show it all… rite now i was thinking wad if i did and wad if i’ve shown him, things wouldn’t be that hard after all. and now tat his gone, i have nothing to show him… his got a cut on this toe during swimming… yes, usually i will ask him to get antiseptic and if he doesn’t i will force him to get or make sure he gets it. but rite now, he haven’t got it and i’m so worried tat his in pain.. and he still didn’t get it… usually i’ll give him a peck of kiss on his wound. and now i can’t..yes before he left we did have official dates… but it’s hard.. it’s so hard… i truly remember the first outings came through… we both went to have McDonalds. it was fun… the thing is life just cannot be without him. it’s hard… i don’t want him to be left alone… i don wanna cry a lone everytime i miss him… i don’t wanna go to the cinema alone or watch movies alone… i don’t wanna know bout other stuff bout other ppl or wadsoever except those that means him… he always allows me to do wadever i like… the thing is i took it for granted. it’s not suppose to be that way… the times we had by the beach… i still remember we were hugging each other on the rocks… i  always wanted to snap shots of us at the beach but always, we never have our chances… when i was facing i horrible past, though there were many of them by my side… he was the one who made me felt a lot better.. somehow because of me he didn’t mind being wrongly accused… i just wish the truth is so out there… i want him home… he usually takes me out when i have my free time.. he will support me whever i go… he will hold me close and tell me everything is ok… his heart msy be fragile but he protects me always with all his heart and he knkows wad to make me smile every single time… the very first time we were frens he gave me lots of bunny icons… those were the ones that made me started calling him bunny… he was the one who understands me the most no matter where i stand whether i am wrong or rite in situations…  he always feels my heart and he would do wadever or anything for me no matter where he is and all i wan him to know is i miss him a lot… i miss him with all my heart… i miss his lips onto mine… i miss the sweet words he whisper into my ear.. i miss him companing me… i miss seeing his eyes… his eyes was the one that sometimes made me fear but tells me i can thrust him no matter wad happens… he was the first i told i bought a tortis… he was the one whom i told one of my tortis is dead… he was the one i was so afraid ppl taking him away from me… he was the one and only person who love me for who i am… never thinking that i was a hommie princess… never thinkng of using me just to show how good he is… he was the one who lighten my dark paths when i was in fear… he brought me to the lights… i lead me to my rainbows… he tells me how important i am to him and i’ve seen it… not long ago when we both were caught out unofficially… i saw it… i saw him rushing up and down in malls, o9n the roads, everywhere… he gave me a ring that ones  he told me it means eternal love… until today he is still with me… the ring is still on my finger… and if long distance relationship is wad he wants me to believe in, i will… he said ones he would die for me like i would for him… we both face it before… i’ve seen him worrying when the cut was there… i saw him feeling bad and sad and wrong when it happen… i’ve seen it in his face… i know wad his thinking and i regret everything that i’ve done but if a

ending…

{ March 25, 2008 @ 11:41 am } · { unwanted memories }
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it was just den that he ask me to leave… like i promised him… i will leave as i am ask to but he’ll forever be my first and my last… i do hope he sees this bcause i will always wish to be with him… i will always wait for him to come home… i will always have my arms open wide for him to run into… if his not, den i’ll just be tat gal who will never have someone else… if his not coming back, den just leave it all behind and leave… if i’m not tat gal… just tell… i know wad to do.. and all i’m begging from god is you to come home… if u don’t i can’t change anything… i’ve tried to satisfy u… i really dunno how to move on… u might see me as a failure… just like the others, i might just leave… but one thing you’ll never know is the times when i needed you… the love tat i have given u,… my presence in front of you… and my feelings of deepest pain and happiness left by u… those were the things i wanted u to see… u were never a burden to me… never once… it’s not a job to be a wife… it’s somehow whom i wanna be… if that is how of everything we’re leaving behind, i wish u all the best in future… take care…

love,

me.

alone

{ January 1, 2008 @ 12:28 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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whoever of u out there… love the ones u love and just let go the ones u never wanted to see, hear or be with…

rite now, i’m living a life on my own… i used to thing tat as long as he loves me there is nothing i have to worry about. but it was untrue… it was a decision we both made… a moment we both cried together to make future plannings. his currently in KL and i’m living in PG. .. it’s like 3 hour bas away. somehow, i know we both we having hard times and we still are… i used to feel tat he would be there for me no matter wad we go through… but wad didn’t went through my head was now. i didn’t showed him enough love before he left… i always told him not to be so baby like for he loves to feel my care and i know tat somehow i didn’t show it all… rite now i was thinking wad if i did and wad if i’ve shown him, things wouldn’t be that hard after all. and now tat his gone, i have nothing to show him… his got a cut on this toe during swimming… yes, usually i will ask him to get antiseptic and if he doesn’t i will force him to get or make sure he gets it. but rite now, he haven’t got it and i’m so worried tat his in pain.. and he still didn’t get it… usually i’ll give him a peck of kiss on his wound. and now i can’t..yes before he left we did have official dates… but it’s hard.. it’s so hard… i truly remember the first outings came through… we both went to have McDonalds. it was fun… the thing is life just cannot be without him. it’s hard… i don’t want him to be left alone… i don wanna cry a lone everytime i miss him… i don’t wanna go to the cinema alone or watch movies alone… i don’t wanna know bout other stuff bout other ppl or wadsoever except those that means him… he always allows me to do wadever i like… the thing is i took it for granted. it’s not suppose to be that way… the times we had by the beach… i still remember we were hugging each other on the rocks… i  always wanted to snap shots of us at the beach but always, we never have our chances… when i was facing i horrible past, though there were many of them by my side… he was the one who made me felt a lot better.. somehow because of me he didn’t mind being wrongly accused… i just wish the truth is so out there… i want him home… he usually takes me out when i have my free time.. he will support me whever i go… he will hold me close and tell me everything is ok… his heart msy be fragile but he protects me always with all his heart and he knkows wad to make me smile every single time… the very first time we were frens he gave me lots of bunny icons… those were the ones that made me started calling him bunny… he was the one who understands me the most no matter where i stand whether i am wrong or rite in situations…  he always feels my heart and he would do wadever or anything for me no matter where he is and all i wan him to know is i miss him a lot… i miss him with all my heart… i miss his lips onto mine… i miss the sweet words he whisper into my ear.. i miss him companing me… i miss seeing his eyes… his eyes was the one that sometimes made me fear but tells me i can thrust him no matter wad happens… he was the first i told i bought a tortis… he was the one whom i told one of my tortis is dead… he was the one i was so afraid ppl taking him away from me… he was the one and only person who love me for who i am… never thinking that i was a hommie princess… never thinkng of using me just to show how good he is… he was the one who lighten my dark paths when i was in fear… he brought me to the lights… i lead me to my rainbows… he tells me how important i am to him and i’ve seen it… not long ago when we both were caught out unofficially… i saw it… i saw him rushing up and down in malls, o9n the roads, everywhere… he gave me a ring that ones  he told me it means eternal love… until today he is still with me… the ring is still on my finger… and if long distance relationship is wad he wants me to believe in, i will… he said ones he would die for me like i would for him… we both face it before… i’ve seen him worrying when the cut was there… i saw him feeling bad and sad and wrong when it happen… i’ve seen it in his face… i know wad his thinking and i regret everything that i’ve done but if a chance was given to me, i will still do the same… no matter where he is and whatever time, i still love him with all my heart…

One Stupid Day i Spoiled

{ August 24, 2007 @ 5:01 am } · { unwanted memories }
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i guess everyone thinks tat they wish they would have someone to be there for them. well, mine’s a lil different. i spoiled my own day i guess. i had this one special person to be there for me but i guess i made him angry. i didn’t mean to hurt him. i was given the freedom to sleep as late as i wanted to and i chose to call him at 7 because i didn’t spend enough time with him. i wanted to give everything i could for atleast a day . but i guess i didn’t thought whether i could even handle the capability of staying up so late and waking up so early and go through the day without enough sleep. and right now… guess it’s my blame for that. guess all those plans to make him feel happy is just the end… because of me both our days are in a mess. just like what happen few days ago. causing us to be apart. causing us never get to see each other anymore… i wanted to be there for him just like how his been for me. but right now, i guess all his thinking is i didn’t understand how he feels when i actually knew. i wanted give the best for him but i have other busy things to do and i guess i’ve put him aside and now.. i’m wandering how to put everything aside and not him. i’m so sorry baby… i’m so sorry for everything i’ve done… and i want u to know i really wanted to see ur smile. ur happy smile. now tat i’ve spoiled everything, i guess tat’s the end of it… i’m sorry baby… why do i always hurt how u felt…

a lil bout me….

{ June 4, 2007 @ 12:46 pm } · { sweet memories }
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me?? lolz..
yeah leaving a life not on my own but with someone i car and love.. but u know.. at times we need someone to talk too.. but in other words.. it’s just some simple way to let something out.. i’m wad u call funny, happy and sensitive.. hahaha… sensitive is wad my frens call me.. lolz… well, i’m the kind who love to do anything.. lolz… i love dancing, love travelling.. but at times, no one seem to see wad i’m good at.. well, i’m a humor kinda gal when u know me.. a great listener and a gud advisor but i need one for my own… though his here to be there for me, sometimes time isn’t rite cause his got his own and i’m there for him… love to shop shop shop like any other gal… sad i just keep them till i explode.. tat’s not a very gud thing to do.. i know tat.. lolz… love watching movie in the cinema.. love his car.. hahahaha.. yup.. his car.. great place… love the parking spaces he always park at.. love the way he look… times been hard.. yup… lolz.. life is all bout hardship… but i love this word… SMILEZ!!!

Cinemazzz……….

{ June 4, 2007 @ 12:38 pm } · { sweet memories }
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cinemas..

it’s somewhere great memories of me and him lives.. it’s unforgettable.. i remember the very first time when i watch a movie in i dunno how many years.. lolz.. well, being in his warm arms keeps me safe.. i remember the very day we were both hoping for a couple seat and yes! we got it.. lolz.. we were watching the show NEXT.. it then makes me realise if i could be like tat guy who can look into the future for at least a minute or more to be safe.. isn’t tat perfect.. yes.. it would be… but like wad my babby said.. when u look into the future, the future changes cause u’re there to change it.. sometimes, wad’s the point of saving it den to face it.. facing those problem makes us closer.. experiences.. yup… i would rather face them coz it’s not only bout understanding but also bout saving and keeping one another strong.. sometimes i would view back the old times and know wad i did wrong… yup.. wanna know wad.. in a relation, we shouldn’t try.. wadeva it is just deal and do it.. let it come.. coz wadeva tat comes will always go… it’s cool u know.. face them and not avoid them… the second movie was pirates.. hahahaha.. makes me realise i really wanna marry this guy know… when it’s half way through the movie, when William Turner’s heart was cut out, and he told me if it ever happen, his heart will always be mine, it sink my heart…  i would sacrifice anything just to stay with this guy, to see him… i’ll take any risk.. hahaha… at times we would imagine us getting married and insist of getting married now.. lolz… but it’s 13 years later… i hope time passes faster.. yup… third was shrekkie… that show was great.. well, it’s a cartoon but when his hands were around me, it makes me realise i would be safe in his hands.. just like shrek keeping Princess Fiona save… i just love it whenever we share and we talk… i love him… AND I LOVE HIM A LOT!!!!! baby… i hope u see this.. :) hehehezzz